No negotiation ever fails because of what we want. It breaks down because of how we ask for it. The culprit? Emotions. If we want to build strong partnerships and lasting collaborations, we need to learn how to navigate them. We can’t control emotions completely—but we can certainly learn how to work with them.
Negotiations Trigger Strong Emotions
Negotiation itself sparks powerful emotional reactions. Some people will accept almost any conditions just to avoid further discussion. Others let trivial details ruin a promising deal—sometimes even escalating into conflict and ending all communication.
Picture this: you’re selling a beautifully restored Art Nouveau apartment in Manhattan. You’ve invested in authentic chandeliers from Paris, carefully renovated parquet floors, and even saved a historic ceiling fresco. Then the potential buyer casually says, “This bathroom tile is awful, it all has to go. And those huge chandeliers? Impossible to clean—we’ll replace them with something simpler.” Suddenly, you explode inside: “What an ignorant fool!” And the deal is gone.
Why Mental Preparation Matters
Preparation is the most critical phase of any negotiation. In a survey of more than a thousand negotiators from both business and politics, mental readiness ranked just as important as goal setting or anchoring.
Tactics like “dropping the anchor” (an unrealistically high first demand) or putting the “big fish on the table” (addressing the toughest issue first) can be effective. But they also raise stress—for both sides. That’s why it’s crucial to balance them with strategies that foster trust, empathy, and mutual understanding.
Anchoring, for example, often feels aggressive. But if you combine it with summarizing, paraphrasing, and checking for mutual understanding, you shift from being an opponent to being a constructive partner. That’s how you can lead negotiations step by step out of the “hell” of conflict.
Cooperation Is the New Standard
Back in the 1990s, negotiations were often treated as battles—someone had to win, and someone had to lose. Today, the mindset has shifted. Constructive dialogue and mutual trust consistently lead to stronger, longer-lasting outcomes.
Silence is a great example of a tactic that can play out in very different ways. When used with empathy and patience, it signals respect and attentiveness. But when it follows an aggressive anchor, the atmosphere quickly turns heavy—you can almost feel the tension pressing down on the room.
Growing the Negotiation Pie
Emotional intelligence helps us recognize, interpret, and guide emotions toward better outcomes. Balanced emotions on both sides not only make an agreement more likely—they can even expand the so-called “negotiation pie.”
In my workshops, I like to give negotiators a simple but tricky challenge: divide 100 dollars. If they fail to agree, no one gets anything. Most people immediately fixate on at least 50, because their ego won’t let them take less. But here’s the catch: is 49 really such a bad deal? What if instead of fighting over the split, they decided to invest the money together and later both walked away with more than 100 each? That’s the essence of expanding the pie.
Evil Isn’t Creative
Emotions influence not only our decisions but also our creativity. Together with trust, they form a powerful trio that fuels leadership and successful agreements.
As one priest famously said: “When people come to confession, they all confess to the same things. That’s because evil isn’t creative.” When those around us lose their temper, our job is to stay present. Hard as it may be, when someone lashes out at you, remind yourself that they’re projecting anger at themselves—not you.
The Freedom of Saying “No”
Some negotiation theories suggest we should separate people from the problem. But that doesn’t really work—because emotions are the problem, and people are emotional by nature. Every choice we make, from tiny details to life-changing deals, is colored by how we feel.
I’m reminded of a small Swiss town I often visit. Like most drivers, I prefer parking on the street in the center. But if you take a wrong turn, you’re funneled into a narrow lane that leads straight into a parking garage. There’s no way out—you’re trapped. A clever design for the garage owner, but for you it’s a frustrating experience because you didn’t really choose it.
Negotiations can feel the same way. A pressured “yes” isn’t a victory—it breeds resentment. That’s why it’s smarter to frame questions that make a “no” possible. Something like, “Would you mind if we paused for a short break?” If the other side says no, they’re not rejecting you. They’re simply exercising choice. And that freedom builds trust.
Ten Principles of Empathy
Training emotional awareness is like training a muscle—you get better with practice. I often recommend looking up a list of emotions online—Paul Ekman’s basic set is a good start. Print it out, keep it at your desk, and once in a while, pause to ask yourself which emotion you’re actually experiencing. The more you practice, the better you’ll get at recognizing emotions—both yours and those of others.
Here are ten simple yet powerful tips to help you reduce tension in negotiations:
- Be fully present - put the phone away, close the laptop, and give the other person your full attention.
- Don’t interrupt. Let people finish before you respond, and if you get interrupted, calmly return to your point.
- Paraphrase to show you’re listening and to confirm mutual understanding.
- Avoid arrogance. Never belittle the other side or act as though they can’t succeed without you.
- Use clear, simple language instead of jargon or overly technical terms.
- Offer options so the other party feels free to choose, rather than cornered.
- Look for shared interests and build on common ground.
- Ask open-ended questions - who, what, why, how - rather than yes/no queries.
- Invite feedback and treat it as an opportunity, not a personal attack.
- Keep the long game in mind. Don’t sacrifice a lasting relationship for a single win.
